I don’t need the Press any more: I have found a computer which I can Programme to deliver just the items I want that will give me my regular dose of outrage instead of reading the media!
With my very wide-ranging abilities, I have at last managed to fix my new Raspberry Pi, the new cut-price teach-yourself-to-code computer, so that it has a feed from the various media in which I might be the subject of personal abuse; and now I am starting to calibrate what I and my fellow critics of the press might call my own ‘Outrage Meter’.
The bottom end of the scale was reasonably easy: to be accused of breaking Health and Safety regulations – a rather old joke; to be lampooned, like ‘Dominic Horrid’ (Harrod), by Private Eye – just an annoying, though slightly amusing peccadillo.
The top end of the scale is more difficult. There is a number of candidates for what David Cameron, I am certain, is considering, namely the setting up a Commission of Enquiry into Personal Abuse – lest once again we be beset by McCarthyism – being jailed for opening our mouths. What about being accused of being politically correct? – too boring. Being accused of improper behaviour? – too popular, though quite high on the meter. Being accused of personal abuse? – too common a disease. Being unjustifiably accused of abusing someone’s human rights? – too flexible a concept: much would depend on the case – someone’s right to peace and quiet hardly on the scale, but someone’s right to justice much more significant. I’ll have to fiddle with the knobs a bit more before I decide about the top end of the scale. I think that the prime candidate is probably being unjustifiably accused of double-dealing or criminal activity by Private Eye.
People say there is no smoke without fire; and mud sticks, so if I am unjustifiably accused, should I then wash my own face in public, counter-attack, or just ignore it all. Max Clifford isn’t the right man to ask any more, so perhaps I should take advice from Private Eye’s own lawyers!